SCAD Secrets

The Despot and the Piggy-Bank A Memoir by Paula Our Dear Leader Walrus In 1977, "... the world was ready for something new," writes the 73 year-old Paula Walrus, Savannah College of Art and Design President and Co-founder. ... All around us, dreamers were dreaming up new ideas: My extended family had just covered-up a serious pedophilia scandal, and my clog dancing days were long over. I was pushing forty when I discovered the benefits of government-backed student loans. What happened next would change the face of education. By joining Stalinist principles of management, obscene tuition costs, with the facade of higher learningPaula managed to create for herself and her family a lucrative piggy-bank. In The Despot and the Piggy-Bank, we journey with Walrus and her family to the crime-ridden coastal town of Savannah, where they set about creating the appearance of a university. This tiny college would be radically different, buzzing with grossly under-qualified administrators, and abused faculty Walrus forever altered what education should be. Nearly forty years later, SCAD is one of the most tastefully decorated, over-hyped, and expensive art and design universities in the world, with dwindling campuses in Georgia, a Chinese ghetto, a farm in France, and online. The Despot and the Piggy-Bank tells the story of how it all happenedfrom the special ‘woman’ at the center of it all. About the author Ghost writer to the ’C’ and ‘D’ celebrity setRalph Mittlebottom of the NYT, spent three years sculpting Ms. Walrus’s crayon-infused chicken scratch of random nouns and occasional verbs into the semblance of the book you now hold in your hands. All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way. http://www.scadsecrets.com/2016/03/despot-piggy-bank-memoir/

SCAD STUDENT REVOLT!? "It’s me. Raine. I’m the one who graduated last May from the Writing department Your institution has been accused of sweeping sexual assaults and crimes on campus under the rug.... You disregard students’ best interests and censor faculty concerns in the name of the Student Code of Conduct. For example, you know students use drugs and drink on campus but refuse to allow a student-facilitated drug and alcohol awareness program. You refuse to pay for school-mandated therapy with non-SCAD-affiliated clinics and ban students from taking classes if they don’t complete treatment. You pay for outlandish ceremonies and events but have taken no initiative to get gender-neutral bathrooms on campus, despite having the largest number of trans and non-binary students on record." #watchmeSCAD #scad https://medium.com/@r/watchmescad-an-ultimatum-c74ecff6fd4d

SCAD(ly) Madison BREAKING NEWS: Savannah. Dear Leader, and President of the Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD) took to the airwaves this morning to clarify why an estimated $18,742.87 of student tuition funds were used to pay for multiple Ashley Madison (Life is short, have an affair!) accounts.... It turns out that the Ashley Madison accounts tied to SCAD administrators were used for academic research. The top administrators opened Ashley Madison accounts to test the effectiveness of the Ashley Madison ‘girl-bots,’ robotic users used to lure men into paying for membership to the Ashley Madison website. SCAD has been experimenting with the idea of replacing current faculty with ‘Faculty-Bots’ for many years now, said Molly Mindful, Director of University Expansion, All the tuition funds spent on Ashley Madison by the university administrators was used to explore the feasibility of such a scheme. The SCAD office of Public Appearance and Prettiness also issued a statement assuring the SCAD community that the Ashley Madison accounts are not related to the ongoing lawsuit involving inappropriate liaisons between SCAD administrates and members of the SCAD student body. http://www.scadsecrets.com/2015/09/scadly-madison/

SCAD’s origin story has been untarnished and pristine for the past 34 years. Untarnished that is until recently, when a group of miscreant investigators uncovered what may turn out to be a much darker and uglier story of where the seed for SCAD’s business plan MAY have originated. This story begins with a man some call Georgia’s most prolific pedophile, but whom Dear Leader refers to as Kin. The business model for a private school, run by one family, carefully guarded wit...h a hand-picked, well paid board of directors has been a lucrative formula for Dear Leader’s family for over 50 years. The architect for such a model may have been none other than Louis J. ’Doc’ Poetter. http://www.scadsecrets.com//southern-gothic-scads-strange/

SCAD Covering Up Sexual Assaults on Campus? Fearing another steep decline in freshmen admissions, SCAD’s matriarch and beloved ‘Dear Leader,’ has formed a workgroup to stem the rise of sexual assaults in Savannah. Led by Dear Leader’s attorney, Regis Smallprint (North Georgia’s ‘Think’n Man’s Lawyer’) the SCAD workgroup revealed a comprehensive sexual assault prevention initiative titled: C.R.U.D. (College Rape Under-Reporting Directive) to the sleepy, disheartened Faculty.... The committee’s focused on this issue like a wet fart on silk panties, said Smallprint we have secretly implemented it as I speak. The solution that Mr. Smallprint refers to is now the subject of a lawsuit brought by whistle-blower, Bobby Zarem, founder of the Savannah Film Festival. Mr. Zarem is suing SCAD for what he claims was his improper dismissal for reporting the sexual assault of four women on SCAD’s campus. Four women had come to me and said they were sexually assaulted [on campus] I went to warn [SCAD president] Paula Wallace. She told me she was going to launch an investigation. Instead, she launched a coverup. Said Zarem in an interview with Page Six. http://pagesix.com//bobby-zarem-suing-savannah-film-festi/ Mr. Zarem is not correct squeaked Ms. Georgette Baxter, SCAD’s Associate Brand Manager and Student Liaison, Sexual assault is ugly SCAD is pretty, it’s better if we just remove everyone involved poof pretty! It was not clear at publication how many, if any, students who reported sexual assaults have been ’pushed out’ of SCAD rather than having their claims investigated. In preparation of student protests, SCAD’s Dear Leader has declared that all students are to leave their mattresses in the dorm rooms. Any student carrying a mattress around with him/her while on SCAD property will be immediately transferred to the Art Institute of Charleston. From her porch at the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged the SCAD community to prevent forest fires stating the highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit. All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies.All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, A university of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way. http://www.scadsecrets.com//scad-covers-sexual-assaults-c/

SCAD Pretty Police declares photos of sick mother "Gross." Tiny Voice, one of Dear Leader's worker bees, posted photos of her mother’s battle with cancer on Tiny Voice's social media accounts. When Tiny Voice's posts were discovered by the Savannah College of Art and Design's Pretty Policeshe was ordered to remove all references to her grandmother and mother’s battle with cancer because: "Photos of bald women fighting cancer are grossthey do not fit with SCAD's Brand Prom...Continue reading

"The home campus of the Savannah College of Art and Design is trying to get rid of our sculpture department and building, Boundary Hall. In an attempt to explain their decision, the administration quotes that it is "for a more efficient use of resources across our four campuses". We need to let them know that this fine art department matters and this building is our home." http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/sc-d

Savannah Makes SCAD President's Wig Style Mandatory It is now mandatory for faculty in Savannah to get the same haircut as the benevolent dictator and matronly president of Savannah College of Art and Design, Dear Leader. Savannah College of Art and Design (SCAD), the ‘secretive university’ impoverished faculty are sure to be flocking to the barbers Wednesday, as the SCAD-sanctioned guidelines were reportedly rolled out university-wide.... Savannah College of Art and Design clearly has its priorities right, dismissing accusations of crimes against faculty and monitored faculty free speech to instead focus on the introduction of the compulsory boxy, mushroom-esque hair do. Previously, among SCAD’s many university-inflicted horrors, faculty were only allowed to choose from 18 styles for women and 10 for men. SCAD’s university TV launched a campaign against long hair and jeans, called "Let us trim our hair and shed our jeans in accordance with the SCAD lifestyle" see SCAD institutional dystopian nightmare video below. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4c92fYmL0ro Unsurprisingly, many have reservations about being indignantly forced into having a SCAD Universty controlled bouffant hairstyle. "Our Leader's wig is very particular, if you will," one source told Radio Free Savannah. "It doesn't always go with everyone since everyone has different face and head shapes." From her porch at the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged the SCAD community to purchase an official SCAD wig stating: the highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit. All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way. http://www.scadsecrets.com//savannah-scad-presidents-wig-/

Turn-in your professor: SCAD has an App for that! Savannah College of Art and Design’s new Dean of Academic ServicesChristo the Don Conquistadorhas great plans for his burgeoning department. We are busy implementing a real-time reporting app for students, says the giddy Dean. Starting in Spring quarter, it will be even easier for students to report professors they don’t like to the administrationSCAD will have an App for that!... We are calling our new program: the SCAD College Reporting Annoying Professors App or SCAD C.R.A.P. App. SCAD CRAP App is a revolutionary quality control mechanism ensuring that SCAD students are all happy customers. The SCAD CRAP App allows students to turn-in their professors to the administration in real-time. Is your professor not giving you enough praise during critique? Turn-Them-In! Is your professor not entertaining enough to keep your attention? Turn-Them-In! Is your professor assigning an unreasonable amount of work (do you have to read or write something)? Turn-Them-In! Students are asked to visit the iTunes store and download the new SCAD CRAP APP today! From her porch at the Landings, Dear Leader encouraged the SCAD community to support SCAD CRAP APPs by stating:the highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit. All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way. http://www.scadsecrets.com//turn-in-professor-scad-app-th/

Diane von Furstenberg I Vaguely Remember the SCAD. Diane von Furstenberg receives an award from "that porch women."

Diane von Furstenberg I Vaguely Remember the SCAD. As we all know, Dear Leader is fond of telling faculty, prospective students, and anyone who will listen about the ‘close personal friendship’ that she holds with Ms. Diane von Furstenberg. Understandably, it came as quite a shock when the SCAD bubble discovered this week that Ms. Diane von Furstenberg, when asked about this special friendship, seemed at a loss.... Diane von Furstenberg claims that she vaguely remembers the SCAD and our Dear Leader with her Southern charms. She also said that what she does recall when thinking of the SCAD was this: It was charming and quaint. SCAD’s team of crack public relations experts were quick to put a positive spin on Diane von Furstenberg’s commentary by reminding the faithful that ‘vaguely’ denotes ‘lacking definite shape, form or character,’ and that DvF used the word ‘charming’ when referring to our beloved SCAD. So what DvF appears to be saying, said Polly Pinkweather, SCAD’s Director of Image Clarification and Preservation, Is that DvF’s relationship with Dear Leader is evolving er ‘taking form’ if you will. SCAD Secrets took the liberty of emailing DvF’s social secretary to ask her about Dear Leader’s close personal friendship with DvF. SCAD Secrets received a prompt response from DvF headquarters: Ms. von Furstenberg did receive an award from the SCAD and does indeed recall a conversation with that charming porch lady. We are unable to comment further on the matter. SCAD’s fashion department will sleep soundly tonight in the knowledge that Ms. Diane von Furstenberg remembers the SCAD and our Dear Leader. (cue the music) From her porch at the Landings, Dear Leader reminded the SCAD community that she has many personal friendships (real and imagined) stating:the highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit. All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way. [photo] Diane von Furstenberg receives an award from "that porch women." http://www.scadsecrets.com//diane-von-furstenberg-i-vague/ Scad Fashion DepartmentSavannah College of Art & DesignDVF - Diane von FurstenbergSavannah College of Art and Design

To Cut Costs: SCAD Replaces University Security with Work-Study Students SCAD has made a bold cost-cutting move today by firing their team of professional security personnel and replacing them with work-study students. The innovative plan, appropriately code-named Students Actively Patrolling or SAPs was the brainchild of Dear Tik’s office of Strategy and Innovation.... It’s absolutely Innovativeand Strategic! gushed the Mad Turk, SCAD saves a bundle, and our students get real-world experience while still in school. PLUS, and this point can’t be emphasized enough, it’s a great resume builder for our SAPs er students! SCAD Secrets was unable to contact any of the student SAPs currently on security duty for comment. However, we were told by the exiting security team that because of Savannah’s rising crime rate and SCAD’s conveniently placed buildings (scattered around the city in remote and dark locations), the new SAPs will have their hands full as they become the only barrier between students/faculty and the rest of Savannah. Each SCAD SAP will receive a tasteful new black and yellow uniform, to be designed by SCAD's fashion department and unveiled early Spring quarter. In addition to the nifty new uniforms, SAPs will also be issued: 1) Sturdy flashlights for patrolling behind buildings and for peering down dark alleys, 2) A thermos of coffee to keep the SAPs alert, and 3) A silver whistle, should the SAPs find themselves outnumbered by local ne'er-do-wells. We wish SCAD’s SAPs luck as they, and they alone keep SCAD buildings, faculty and fellow students safe from the mean streets of Savannah. From her porch at the Landings, Dear Leader gave words of encouragement to the new SCAD SAPs stating: the highest and best use of a front porch is to enable and encourage the art of conversation. We entertain ourselves with stories on the porch. We invite people in. We sit. We visit. All stories on www.SCADSECRETS.com are parodies. All content on www.SCADSECRETS.com is fictionalized and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. This site and the content contained within are not affiliated with the Savannah College of Art & Design, a University of creative careers founded by Ms. Paula Wallace who is practically perfect in every way.

Dear Leader to Retire in 2015? North Savannah News Service announced yesterday that Dear Leader plans to retire and to relinquish her matronly grip on SCAD in 2015. The Savannah College of Art and Design, an art school that she, her husband, her parents, and her smarter, nicer sister founded in 1979, rose last year to the distinguished rank 1,248 in student return on investment. Dear Leader is expected to pass her Bee Baton to her much beloved, and deeply touched son, Dea...r Tik. News of Dear Leader’s retirement was met with gut wrenching wails (and a generous gnashing of teeth) by the SCAD hive of faculty and staff. SCAD’s supreme stubby queen announced her two year 'transformation' from world's most impressive arts educator to that of budding socialite, a role for which she was born to play. A proposed theme for the SCAD campus this coming spring will be Celebrating the Sun, the Handi-Capable Transfer of Power. " The distinguished career of Dear Leader will be celebrated with song, clog dancing, rickshaw races, and apple bobbing. Dear Leader’s favorite restaurant, Longhorn Steak House, will cater all administration celebratory events. SCAD Secrets has created a special page dedicated to the festivities and events that will no doubt awe, inspire, as well as educate the SCAD community as we celebrate, with a heavy heart, the retirement of Dear Leader, OUR Queen of the South. http://www.scadsecrets.com/dear-leader-retirement-watch/ Leave your Parting Wishes for our Dear leader in the comments